


Clarity

by wigglebox



Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [10]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean Winchester Prays to Castiel, Heaven, Leviathans, Lies, M/M, Pining, Prayer, Purgatory, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-29
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:41:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22456648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wigglebox/pseuds/wigglebox
Summary: Cas's trip to Heaven was very much needed--But not for the reasons he told Dean and Sam.[15x10 Coda]
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural - Season 15 Coda Fics [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1514216
Comments: 24
Kudos: 118





	Clarity

There was no guarantee that Heaven would hold anything inside that’d help their fight against Chuck. There were a handful of Angels left, and the plane of existence was vast. All of those who would have the knowledge of anything to help locate God—Chuck—were dead.

Except for Michael, but Cas didn’t want to try contacting him again. Every second of their interactions made his skin crawl and frayed his nerves. 

Despite the odds, Cas decided to go anyway. The point of the trip wasn’t really to find anything. 

He needed a day or two away from everything. 

And everyone. 

“I won’t be gone long,” Cas said at the table after Sam had gone to bed. All three of them were exhausted beyond belief, faces pale, and shoulders sagging. It took all of Cas’s remaining strength to avoid looking at Dean while he continued to speak. “Maybe a day. No more than two.”

Dean had remained still while Cas outlined his plans, however bogus they were. He didn’t say much, and he didn’t look up from the table where his hands played with an empty bottle. Cas didn’t want him to. It’d make it harder to go. 

And he needed to go. 

Shame had been building pressure inside Cas for days, ever since he came back to the bunker, and it hit a boiling point as soon as Cas heard the prayer. 

Words bloomed into Cas’s head as he fought off the last of the monsters around them, already feeling faint and shaky. A sharp, painful sensation was beginning to creep up his arm the more and more he used that extra strength he had. Cas was wondering just how much grace he had left when Dean’s words hit him hard and seized any other thought in his head. The second blow was the overwhelming, crushing weight of anxiety and sadness. 

The momentary distraction had allowed one of the remaining monsters to crash a large branch across his head, leaving a bloody gash.

Cas hardly felt the blow, and responded with a sucker-punch to the thing’s face, feeling its bone structure crack and break apart under his fist. As tell-tale warmth began to spread throughout Cas, his grace eager for the battle, the monster flew back and into a tree and splintered the bark. 

_I should have stopped you_

Drawing a shaky breath and fighting to push the sudden incursion of emotions, Cas heard the monster behind him despite the voice rattling around in his head. He turned just in time to grab its face right before teeth sank into his face. It tried to shake Cas off, but he held tight, fingers digging into the flesh. 

— _just let you go, ‘cause that was easier than admitting that I was wrong._

With a scream from the monster, Cas turned his arms in a blink of an eye. Its head ripped from its neck, ligaments and black ooze snapping and gushing out of it. The body fell to the ground, lifeless, and Cas threw the head as far as he could away. He heard it bounce several times into the underbrush before hitting some water. Dean kept talking, every hitch of his breath also taking away Cas’s. The imposed fear crawled, lethargic and thorny, from Cas’s chest, outward. 

Two other Leviathans watched from the trees, and the one Cas had knocked out was beginning to stir. The two by the trees hesitated, looking apprehensive. They knew that stepping into the clearing meant a high chance of death.

 _I don’t know why I get so angry. I just know that I know that it’s just always been there_ —

The idle warmth from the last vestiges of grace began to billow into a fire, too hot and too intense every time Cas took a step this or that way. The heat mixing with the deep anguish brought on by Dean’s words, Cas’s vision spun for half a moment.

It took him a moment to realize he had been mumbling “Not now, don’t do this now” over and over to himself while Dean continued to talk. Cas also shook his hands wildly next to him out of desperation; he couldn’t afford to expel any more grace--

One of the Leviathan broke loose and charged at Cas.

— _when things go bad it--it just comes out and I can’t stop it_ —

Cas took care of the Leviathan in short order, side-stepping it to grab its wrist, yanking hard on its arm. It disconnected and the thing howled in pain but didn’t miss a beat swinging back around, baring its never-ending rows of teeth. 

— _no matter how bad I want to, I just can’t stop it_ —

As Cas wound up to take another punch, his hand was grabbed by the second Leviathan, forcing him to the ground. His weight fell against the flower he fought hard for and winced as he felt it crush against his hip. 

_And I forgive you. Of course I forgive you_ —

Fury building, Cas launched back to his feet. It happened before he could stop it: The building fire raced down his arms into his hands which felt prickly, pain hinging on the edge of _too much_. Palms open, he grabbed the Leviathans by the throat; his hands began to tremble and glow—

 _I’m sorry it took me so long_ —

They screamed as their faces melted into black ooze. Cas let go before it could get to his hands. 

_I’m sorry it took me so long_ —

As the monsters fell to the ground on their knees, Cas felt Dean’s tears. Another wave of longing crashed through Cas hard enough to almost knock him back to the ground.

 _Cas, I’m so sorry_ —

Vision swimming as his own tears began to form, Cas grabbed the hair of the half-melted faces and turned his wrists sharp and fast. The heads dislodged themselves and Cas threw them in the same direction as the other one.

 _Man, I hope you can hear me_ —

Turning, Cas locked eyes with the last Leviathan, sitting dumbstruck on the ground with a half-bashed in face. The thing wasted no time in scrambling to its feet, running off in the other direction. He’d be back. With more. 

_I hope you can hear me._

The adrenaline started to drain at an accelerated pace, and all the heat vanished from Cas in an instant. Coldness replaced everything with a faint buzzing running through his body. Blinking the tears out of his eyes and wiping them with his arm, he turned in the direction where Dean’s voice was coming from. 

Stumbling away from the clearing, Cas trudged through the trees, trying to ignore the stabbing pain that had started in his right arm. He did too much.

The tears eventually began to fade after a few minutes, but the overwhelming sense of fear and heartbreak remained deep inside Cas. It merged, like it’s done time and time again, with his own heartache. It always grew into the only kind of monster Cas didn’t know how to handle. 

He swallowed hard, working past the knot forming in his throat. 

The pain flared up to his shoulder, and Cas was forced to pause by a tree, nails digging into the bark. A sharp groan escaped from him as he screwed up his face. It was the worst it had ever been and he shook as each pulse of pain bolted up to his arm and then down his back. 

With his other hand, he turned to the tree and slammed a fist into it. The pain from the action did nothing to alleviate the pain in his other arm, and he turned back around and pressed his back against the tree trunk. Closing his eyes, he tried to sense how far away Dean was. Not far. It was harder to focus in on a direction, however, now that Dean stopped praying.

It was the direct opposite problem from last time in purgatory when Cas couldn’t go a day without Dean’s voice in his head. There was always a pull like Cas was being stretched in Dean’s direction at all times. He began feeling it again while leaning against the tree and sighed. It was an old, familiar feeling. 

Abandoning Dean in purgatory wasn’t an option, but Cas needed to calm himself down, hold himself back until everything got back under control. 

Cas heaved another sigh and sat down. He knew the Leviathan that ran off would be back with its friends soon, but he couldn’t keep going. The pain was on the verge of overwhelming, and he’d be useless in a fight until it started to dissipate. 

Pulling out the flower to distract himself, Cas stared at it, crestfallen. The thing was slightly crushed from his fall earlier. It wasn’t horribly damaged, but it was still demoralizing to see for some reason. Cas didn’t know why.

Turning it in his hands, trying to get feeling back in his pained arm, Dean’s words began to echo again like a taped replay; each and every word, hitch of breath, and swallow, Cas could hear like Dean had been speaking right next to him only an inch from his ear. It was like that every single time Dean prayed. 

Throwing the flower down onto the ground, Cas covered his eyes with his hands, rubbing into them a little until he saw stars. His own grief had officially taken over. 

He had been doing so well. Even if it hurt being around Dean with that much self-imposed restriction, it was productive for Cas and for them all. _They all had a job to do._ Cas repeated that mantra in his head every time he stood next to Dean in the past few days, and it had been _working_ —

Cas felt the tears return as resignation settled in.

Each and every time, _every time_ , he tried doing this, thinking he could extract himself from the terrifying wants and desires that grew over time—Cas fell flat on his face. 

He tried clearing his mind, closing his eyes, trying to bring himself back--

 _Stop making me love you_. 

The thought echoed in Cas’s mind suddenly, feeling it deep inside him as well, all the way down to his toes. It then repeated itself, this time intertwining with Dean’s prayer. Shame came next as the words kept trying to gain its footing; _Stop making me love you, stop giving me reasons to love you, let me be free--_ The words danced around each other in an agonizing, beckoning way that made Cas want to punch the tree again. 

_I should have stopped you_ —Stop

 _I was wrong_ —Stop it, stop talking, stop thinking it, stop it—

 _I’m sorry it took me so long_ —Stop it, _stop_ —

_I hope you can hear me._

“I can,” Cas said to himself, staring at the ground while his mind continued to play everything on a loop. The old purgatory routine settling back down on him like a heavy, suffocating blanket; torturing himself with Dean’s spoken words, thinking he’d be led to an oasis. A mirage greeted him every time.

The pain in his arm began to slowly ebb, and Cas started wiggling his fingers, still staring at the ground; the prayer continued in his head like a tape stuck on a loop. The earnest words from Dean, the tears of worry, wore down every makeshift defense Cas had tried holding in place. 

Familiar sentiments won its battle eventually. Cas knew it was never a contest. 

_I still love you._

Cas wished he could send a prayer to someone; he wished he could send a thought out into the universe with the hope that someone out there could help him out. But he had no one listening. He wasn’t sure what he’d pray, but some help working through all this would be appreciated.

As feeling began returning to the tips of Cas’s fingers, he sighed deeply. Dean was always complicated, and always a distraction. Being around him was never easy to deal with, and there had been times Cas felt like screaming. 

The worst thing in the world, Cas found out, was loving someone who doesn’t love you back. 

And it didn’t matter how happy he was to always hear Dean’s voice in prayer, regardless of its sad subject matter; it didn’t matter that sometimes Cas saw glimmers of possible hope--that feelings may be returned; it didn’t matter every time he felt better, calmer, around Dean.

None of it mattered because nothing would come from it, and every time Cas felt even a spark of hope, reality always came crashing back down. It was painful, every time, and Cas didn’t understand why he was stuck in a continuous loop.

 _I don’t want to love him anymore_ , a small voice demanded in the back of Cas’s mind, trying to counteract the emotions. It was scared to even suggest the thought. It tried repeating the suggestion, _I don’t want to love him anymore_ , but it sounded fainter. It didn’t repeat a third time. 

A twig snapped next to Cas, yanking him out of the storm brewing in his head. He turned to his right, already knowing who it was. 

Dean appeared beside him. 

Like someone flipped a switch, all thought ceased in Cas’s head once he saw Dean standing there, unscathed. Pushing everything aside, wanting to celebrate the mere fact they both survived purgatory up to that point, Cas lifted himself off the ground. His arm had begun to return to normal. 

Happy with the gesture, Cas still had to look away when Dean pulled him into an embrace. All he wanted to do was melt into Dean’s visible relief, but self-preservation held him back. _Keep that barrier up_.

Cas explained about his own small adventure—not providing many details. Dean didn’t care that the object they came all this way for was damaged and was just happy Cas lived to tell the tale.

And when Dean set his face in determination and announced that he had something to say, Cas gently stopped him while internally, fear gripped his heart. 

_Don’t say it again,_ Cas thought desperately, wishing (for not the first time) that Dean could hear him. He couldn’t guarantee that what came out of his mouth as a response would be something Dean would appreciate.

“You don’t have to say it, I heard your prayer,” he had said, keeping his tone even, trying not to betray himself. 

The truth was he _did_ want to hear it again. He wanted to hear it again and again, with maybe some more words thrown in there, and then Cas himself could start adding his own-- 

But.

He really couldn’t hear those words and emotions again; he couldn’t stand to feel that sudden onslaught of despair and anguish again. If those words and apology were said in front of him—seeing Dean’s face all the while—Cas would throw caution to the wind and just _say it_ —

 _I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you_ —

“What do you think you can find up there in two days?” Dean asked, and Cas kept his gaze down at the kitchen table. They weren’t looking at each other. Cas expected some kind of push back with the justification that they were “up against it” and needed to stick together… but Dean only nodded when Cas proposed his little field trip. 

“There has to be something that’ll help us track Chuck down again,” Cas said lamely, vague and disconnected. That was the general idea, and he’d look even though he didn’t expect to find anything. 

But he needed to get away from Dean if only for a day. Just to set things back to where they were a few days ago in his head.

However, there was a part deep inside Cas, fueled by Dean’s prayer, that screamed at him to stay; stay as close as they currently were at the table; stand close together so Cas could feel every small breath or shift in Dean’s stance; sit so close that Cas could selfishly fulfill that need to hear Dean speak in that low, hushed voice he took on sometimes while they were together alone.

Like now. 

Dean nodded, still fiddling with the bottle.

“If you think that’s best,” he said. Cas glanced up and saw a frown lining Dean’s face, “Will you call if there’s a problem?” 

Cas nodded. Dean picked his gaze up and made brief eye contact before sighing, giving one nod of approval, before leaving the table with the bottle.

“And you’ll let me know if you need anything?” Cas asked, knowing the answer. 

Dean cleared his throat as he got to the sink and ran the tap, “Yeah. Hopefully, we don’t, but yeah. We won’t do anything crazy until you get back to join us.” He looked over his shoulder and flashed a smile, but Cas noticed it didn’t quite meet his eyes. 

Cas didn’t even try to return it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> This is my 15x10 coda, but it turned out to dip into 15x09! 
> 
> When I heard that he went to Heaven to help find something with the Chuck fight, I started thinking about how Cas still looked away when Dean hugged him, and while even though he was Soft TM there was still this sense of slight avoidance. 
> 
> There's always a question in my mind with how much they both are aware of their feelings, how much they want to deal with them, or if they are happy they have them at all. There's multiple layers to take with this, and various viewpoints you can make them have. 
> 
> In this case, and I think it's just become my viewpoint overtime, Cas has been aware of his feelings for a long while now, but doesn't want them anymore. It hurts too much, especially after 15x03. 
> 
> But he keeps getting sucked back in. 
> 
> So yeah anyway. This coda took me a little while to figure out because 15x10 was so meta-y and good that I'm like DAMN. To be fair, that's how a lot of these season 15 episodes have been! 
> 
> My WONDERFUL beta is [KelpietheThundergod/Cuddlemonsterdean(tumblr)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KelpietheThundergod)!
> 
> Onward to 15x11!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this!


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